Participant Voices

After having been a therapist for over 40 years I had a rough idea of what I was letting myself in for, or I thought I did. I did not appreciate the beauty, the depth and the level of personal experience. ‘The Holding’ is a unique experience created by Jax Bull and Tanya Forgan, both experienced and gifted therapists in their own right who together hold a powerful healing field that is far greater than the sum of their whole.

This was palpable from the moment I arrived.  The electric gates closed behind me, and I entered a new world, where I could see for miles to the North and the West, the green hills and ancient trees already holding me in peace and safety.  I am a land person.  Arriving into such beauty and spaciousness blew me away.  All I could do to ease the dramatic change in energy from the outer to the inner world was to lie face down on the lawn.  I had a vision of a clear water fountain pouring out of the ball of one of my feet.  The distant views of the sea and Lyme Regis winked at me.  ‘You can dream big in this place,’ they said.

I remember how nervous I was when I went for my ’interview coffee’ which was neither an interview nor was it a coffee.  I remember talking and talking, feeling the resistance to facing my fears and the deep longing for them to be recognised and held. Was this my chance to break through?  What if I’m found out? What if I have done something terrible and have no recollection of whatever it was?  What about the guilt and the shame? How will I handle that in this rarefied place? Soon after that I paid my deposit and without a moments hesitation was counting down the days to my arrival.

The night before I had a supper of all the foods that I knew were bad for me.  It was also a full moon in Taurus, highlighting stubborn traits that it invites us to release.  My last ditch attempt to hold onto the crumbling old ways of the harsher harder me.  I knew now it was time to surrender.  Pay your money and surrender, not pay your money and have what you want.  I laughed to myself at the thought.

The warm and easeful welcome I received from the team fed my eyes, my stomach and my soul. I admit to having felt unworthy to receive such beautiful energy, such a new experience for me.  Living alone, my meals admittedly could sometimes been described as ‘blind man’s suppers!’  I am pleased to report that this activity has substantially faded, and I am now making a real effort to replicate the extraordinarily delicious food I received.  On the application form to The Holding, there was a line that asked which tastes and flavours I preferred. How nice to be asked such a question. Even special treat food tastes were on the wish list.  Lapsang Souchong tea awaited me on arrival with an energy ball to keep me going until lunch.  How amazing was it to be actually listened to?

The sessions were held in a comfortable contained space, intimate enough to be of great softness and yet expansive enough to move and dance.  There were always three of us so I never felt crowded out by having input from two separate people.  We all shared a lot in turn and by the end of the experience I was thrilled to have developed such an easy relationship with my mentors.  The days started with simple rituals designed to help us embody and connect to the earth. I talked openly about how I was feeling.  I was quite used to this practice and felt comfortable with it. It will be a novel experience for those unused to sitting in circle.

Magically as if some genie was pulling the strings a session emerged, lasting about two hours.  This ranged from Breathwork to Gestalt therapy to deep somatic holding, healing, movement and dance.  In these sessions I was the one being held and looked after by both Jax and Tanya. I never felt an imbalance. Both beautiful women merged and worked as one. We were all held together by the greater Universe.  Being held as if I was a baby, leaning back into comfort.  When did I last do that?

Now, well over a week has passed since I returned home.  Memories of those days are still vivid, still present.  As I write I am still swimming in the pool and soaking up the symbolism of the stag, a huge and lifelike sculpture magically watching my every move from the corner of the garden.  I also found the surfeit of ancient trees helpful for me to self identify.  Within this extraordinary place time stood still just long enough for me to find my peace.  The weather was also Mediterranean, which made it all seem so much easier, being bathed in quiet sunshine inspired me to wear softer brighter clothes.

Some key differences between ’The Holding’ and any other retreats I have been on were that here I was alone, for my healing, with my junk.  Not at all self-centred, but essential for my health, the wellbeing of those I love and our collective surrounding environment.  I have received a true emotional healing. This included, a good metaphorical hit on the head.

Tanya and Jax were able to do that with such love, such compassion, such insight, such creativity.

There was no room for me to feel guilty about how my processing affected other participants because there weren’t any, but the big difference was that as part of the Holding package, there are four follow up calls of one hour. You cannot leave this experience without some change in the behavioural imprints that are no longer needed in this changing world.  I have had one session, and I long for the ones to follow.

These are carefully spaced at increasing intervals over a period of two months.  The one I had felt both comforting and comfortable, as if we were back in our magical sessions again.  I was at Little hill for three days and two nights.  It could have been weeks.  In a healing space time is somehow unimportant.

I am left filled with a much deeper compassion for myself.  I am beginning to find my emotional voice. I am reminded what is and what is not good for me, have set up an altar and am reminded that grief and self- judgement does not just ’go away’.  I realise that I am a force, a soft force, that the expression of this force can be filled with beauty, honesty and love and that my loves, my ancestors and the great Mother will always be there to hold me.